Other Topics: Child Custody Mediation: Focus on the Child's Needs Custody of Children 5 Years Old or Younger
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Custody of Children 5 Years Old or Younger

Note: This section talks about children and divorce (or separation), but it also applies if the parents were never married.

Click on a topic below:

General Information
What Young Children Need From Their Divorced or Separated Parents
Finding Common Ground as Parents
Case Studies:
   No common ground: Nordeen and Jack
   A common ground: Dolores and Carlos
Questions & Answers
Suggestions for Positive Conversations
Suggestions for Less-Experienced Parents
Suggestions for More-Experienced Parents
Taking Care of Yourself
Parenting Resources
Important Parenting Issues After Separation

General Information
This information is for parents who live in a place that is safe for their children, themselves, and the other parent. If your family has problems with drug abuse, violence, neglect, or sexual abuse, it can be very hard to make a safe parenting plan that works. Get help from an agency or counselor.

For this section, we looked at studies of children who were 5 years old or younger when their parents divorced or separated. Even though not much research is available, we hope this information will help you and your children.

Separation and divorce are difficult, emotional changes for adults and children. Your children need extra love, time, attention, and stability to deal with these changes. Get support from family, friends, support groups, and professionals so that you have the energy to help your children.

Children need some consistency in both parents' homes to help them get used to the changes. You need to find a way to talk to the other parent about your children on a regular basis. This will help you avoid misunderstandings and keep small problems from getting big. Don't put your children in the middle of a fight. No child is too young to notice that parents are fighting. This can be very harmful to children of all ages.

Try to remember that most families make it through a separation or divorce and are happy, well-adjusted children and parents. But if you or your children have problems that just don't seem to go away, ask your doctor, a parenting educator, counselor, or mediator to help.

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What Young Children Need From Their Divorced or Separated Parents
Children going through divorce have certain needs. But there are no foolproof ways to raise young children before, during, and after divorce. Even so, you and the other parent can help your children cope better with the divorce or separation.

Most families are more calm and stable 2 years after a divorce. But your children need your help now to get used to the changes in their lives.

All types of families can give young children what they need. Parents don't have to be perfect. Even so, when parents live apart, young children need them to:

• Give them warmth, affection, and love.
• Understand their needs and feelings, but set limits to help them grow up.
• Know the children well and spend time playing with, teaching, and caring for them.
• Make sure that caregivers (baby-sitters, daycare centers, family members, etc.) are stable, reliable, sensitive to the children, and accepted by both parents.
• Control any negative feelings, especially in front of the children.
• Share information with the other parent regularly and with respect.
• Decide which parenting decisions need to be made together and which can be made by one parent.
• Solve problems and disagreements that affect the children.
• Give them enough food, clothes, toys, and equipment.
• Give them good medical care and education.

It helps children if their parents feel good about themselves. Grandparents, other family members, and close friends need to support both parents and be dependable, sensitive, and helpful "advisors."

No matter where your children are, they need to be with adults who:

• Are warm and comforting,
• Listen carefully,
• Help them make sense of the world, and
• Give them interesting things to do and think about.

Your children will do best if you and the other parent respect each other and support each other as parents. Don't show your anger in front of your children. Try to find ways to work out your disagreements with the other parent.

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Finding Common Ground as Parents
All couples disagree about what they think is important for their children. When parents live together, they have more chances to work out their differences and agree on a way of parenting (a "common ground"). It's much harder for parents to find a common ground when they live apart. It's easier to think that the other is not listening or is making a mistake.

If you and the other parent talk about your differences, you can learn from each other and your children can get the best of both parents.

Some suggestions:

• Have regular, positive conversations with the other parent. Try to solve problems, talk about your worries and your child's activities, successes, and problems.
• Figure out what you can do to let the other parent know you are listening to his or her concerns.
• Decide what you need from the other parent to believe that he or she is taking your concerns seriously.

For example:

• A father is really worried about safety. He buys the newest car seat and installs gates at the top of the stairs and safety latches on the cabinets. The mother wants her child to be independent. At the playground, she stands by the slide while the child climbs to the top, instead of lifting the child up.
• The problem: The father thinks the mother is being "unsafe" because she lets the child be independent. The mother thinks the father is "overprotective" for worrying so much about safety.
• The solution: If the father sees the child in a car seat every time the child comes over, he sees that the mother thinks safety is important. If the father and child tell the mother how much fun the slide is, she sees that the father will support the child's independence. This way, both parents feel that they're important to their child. And both feel respected.

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Case Studies

No common ground: Nordeen and Jack

Nordeen:

• Thinks that babies need their mothers to take care of them during the day.
• Had to work to make ends meet after her divorce from Jack.
• Is angry that she has to be away from her son, Sean. And she feels guilty for leaving him with a baby-sitter.
• Is worried that Sean will be mad at her for leaving him and that he will love the baby-sitter more than her.
• Doesn't like that Sean's time with his father takes away from the few hours she has to spend with her baby.
• Can't stand the thought that Sean might get to like his father's new girlfriend.
• Is upset all the time. This makes it hard for her to relax and have fun with Sean when they are together.
• Can only think about how frustrated and worried she is.
• Is impatient and irritable when Sean gets cranky.
• Can't think of good ways to help the baby get used to the changes in their lives, so she ends up feeling even worse.
• Misses the quiet times she had with Sean before the separation.

Jack:

• Agrees that babies need to be with their mothers.
• Is willing to start with short visits with Sean and slowly see him more.
• Is scared that Nordeen doesn't see him as important. He thinks she'd be happier if she could shut him out of Sean's life altogether.
• Feels stretched to the limit, working overtime, starting a new relationship, and finding time for Sean.
• Wants to be helpful and reasonable. But when Nordeen suggests that he change his work schedule to give Sean more time with both of them, he fights with her about how important his job is.
• Doesn't know what type of relationship his girlfriend should have with Sean. But he needs her help to take care of him.
• Thinks Nordeen is being unreasonable and jealous because she doesn't want Sean to be left with Jack's girlfriend.

Working together:

• Things got really tough when Sean had to go to the hospital because he was dehydrated.
• Jack and Nordeen were embarrassed that they yelled at each other in front of the doctor. They were both worried sick about Sean.
• After the hospital experience, they went to a mediator who knows about small children, and made some agreements:
• They agreed to take a parenting class at the YMCA.
• Nordeen found a support group for divorced women.
• Jack called the Stepfamily Association of America for information about how to bring his girlfriend into the household.
• Jack also agreed to limit the time Sean spends with his new girlfriend until Nordeen is comfortable enough to meet her in person.
• They both changed their schedules so Sean can have more time with each of them.

A common ground: Dolores and Carlos

Dolores:

• Knows she's the best person for her 18-month-old daughter, Rosa.
• Knows what the baby wants, what makes her cry, and what makes her happy.
• Also knows that she needs to keep working. And that Rosa needs to have a close relationship with her father, Carlos.
• Wants Rosa to live with her. But she also wants to make sure that Rosa is happy in different places.
• Has tried to stay up-to-date about what happens when Rosa is with Carlos. She gives Carlos useful information, without telling him what to do.
• Remembers what helped Rosa get used to the baby-sitter, and has told Carlos what seemed to work.
• Has noticed that since the separation, Rosa gets tired and cranky more easily, especially when she travels from Carlos's home to Dolores's home.
• Now puts aside quiet time to spend with Rosa after she returns from being with Carlos. And Rosa seems to handle the changes better.

Carlos:

• Felt terrible when Rosa cried for her mother the first overnight at his apartment.
• Remembered what Dolores told him: that Rosa cried with the baby-sitter at first, but stopped when she started playing.
• Tried some of Dolores's ideas, and a few of his own.
• For example: Carlos made up stories to tell Rosa. He tried different nighttime routines until bedtime went smoothly.
• Knew Dolores would worry. So he made sure to tell her how he makes bedtime work.
• Also told Dolores what he thinks should be the same in the two houses and what differences he thinks Rosa can handle.

Working together:

• Dolores and Carlos worked together. And Rosa got more comfortable going back and forth between her two homes.
• The doctor told Carlos that Rosa was doing "everything an almost-2-year-old ought to be doing." He told Carlos and Dolores that they were parenting well together.
• From time to time, problems or arguments come up. But Dolores and Carlos talk with each other until the problem is solved. They remind themselves that the most important thing is Rosa's best interest.

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Questions & Answers

1. How can we work together?
   If we could get along, we wouldn't be getting a divorce!

   There are different ways for parents to work together after divorce:

   • Some work together as a team. They respect and support each other.
   • Some have a more distant, businesslike relationship. They aren't friends, but they talk about important issues, plan their households, and find ways to work out disagreements.
   • Others don't fight, but they don't talk much either. They avoid fights by keeping each household separate.
   • Some parents also have to deal with abuse or violence. These parents need to think about how to protect themselves and their children, and how to stop being violent.

     Problems between parents can make children:

     • Feel bad about themselves,
     • Disobey and not cooperate,
     • Have problems in school, and
     • Have trouble getting along with friends.

     Children shouldn't feel that they're "in the middle" of their parents' fights. Children should NOT:

     • Take messages from one parent to the other,
     • Feel that you expect them to take sides,
     • Feel that they caused their parents' fights, or
     • See violence.



2. I've heard that it's bad for babies to be away from their mothers OR their fathers. How can we both be with our children and work too?

   • It is good for children to spend time with their mother AND father.
   • But it's not bad for children to spend some time away from their parents.
   • Children who are away from both parents for most of the day can do well if their daycare is good and if their time with their parents is not too stressful.
   • Children should always be with the same caregivers (that is, baby-sitters, daycare workers, grandparents, or other family members).
   • The fewer changes in caregivers, the better.
   • Children need to be taken care of by people that are sensitive to them, understand their needs, and give them affection and a sense of security.
   • A caregiver that has a close relationship with the child (called an "attachment") can help during this stressful time.

   Children need time with both parents on a regular basis. Work together to spend as much time as possible with your children.

   If you both work, there may not be a lot of time for you to be with the children. Children often spend a lot of time in daycare or with baby-sitters. This may not give them enough time with either parent.

   Try to work out your schedules so that the child is with one parent when the other parent is at work or in school. This way, you will both have more time with the children.

   Not all parents can work out this type of work schedule. Watch your children to see if they are stressed or having trouble dealing with changes.

3. I don't want my child to change houses every day. But I want to see my child as much as possible. What's the best schedule?

   We don't know how long young children can go without seeing either parent, how many transitions children can handle, or how long children should stay in each household. We do know that children can get attached to caregivers when they have good relationships that are consistent over time.

   Infants and toddlers should see each parent often. You want your children to have a strong attachment to both parents. Have a regular schedule and stick to it. Children need to have a routine they can count on.

   When you make a schedule, think about the quality of the relationships. Not just the relationship between the child and each parent, but also between the mother and father.

4. I stayed home and took care of the children. The other parent was not there for the fussiness, the fevers, and the first steps. How can I know that the baby is all right when not with me?

   Fathers usually spend less time taking care of babies. After separation, a father may have to do a lot of the things the mother used to do. At first, you may both be scared that the father won't do a good job.

   Fathers can take care of children as well as mothers. Both of you can learn as you go along, with the help of family, friends, and professionals. If you give them a chance, divorced fathers can be great parents.

   After divorce, it's common for parents to be insecure about their parenting skills.

   • If you are the more-experienced parent:
     Be patient. Support the other parent when he or she is learning. Share information about the children with the other parent.
   • If you are the less-experienced parent:
     Commit to learning. Understand that the other parent needs to know how things are going when the children are with you.
   • Both parents need to respect each other and work as parenting team.
     • Read "Some Suggestions for More-Experienced Parents."
     • Read "Some Suggestions for Less-Experienced Parents."

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Suggestions for Positive Conversations

• Agree on a time and place to talk (in person or by phone) that works for both of you. Talk on a regular basis to avoid misunderstandings. This will make it easier for the children to live in 2 homes.
• Try to solve problems when the children are not around.
• Meet in public places like restaurants, libraries, or coffee shops. This will help you talk calmly and will give you a chance to leave if you need to.
• Start by sharing information. Then, try to solve problems. Keep talking as long as the conversation stays positive.
• Agree that either parent can end the talk if it is too uncomfortable or not positive.
• When you end the conversation, agree to keep talking about the problem the next time you talk. Even 5 minutes of positive conversation every week can lead to good decisions.
• Keep parenting talks separate from talks about other subjects. Try to talk about other things at a different time.

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Some Suggestions for Less-Experienced Parents

• Spend a little bit of time alone with your child at first.
• Slowly spend more time alone with your child.
• Learn from the people around you (family, other parents, parenting classes).
• Listen to information from the other parent.
• Commit to a regular schedule. You may have to talk to your boss about your schedule and sick time for your child's doctor's appointments.

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Some Suggestions for More-Experienced Parents

• Give the other parent a chance to take care of your children. Not just playing, but feeding, dressing, bathing, having them take naps, putting them to bed, and taking care of them when they're sick.
• Think about what you need to know to feel better about how your children are being taken care of. Tell the other parent.
• It's usually all right if one parent does some things a little differently from the other.
• Tell the other parent about what your children need, what they're used to doing, and what they like. For example:
  • What are their favorite foods?
  • What calms them down them when upset?
  • What helps them go to bed?
• The other parent may discover new things about your children. Listen to this new information about your children.
• Talk to the other parent about how your children act when they're doing well with a change. And how they react when they're stressed or upset.

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Taking Care of Yourself

• Children do best when both parents take care of them regularly. They need you both to be sensitive, caring, and prepared to take care them.
• Parents do best when they help, support, and respect each other.
• When you first separate, it's a lot harder to work well together.
• If you are under a lot of stress, you may feel depressed, anxious, moody, and worried. This can make it hard to be sensitive and calm with a fussy child.
• Try to figure out what would help you feel better and take the time to do it. For example:
  • Plan regular activities you like-for when you have the children and for when you are alone.
  • Look for good examples of successful divorced families. Their experience can give you support and good ideas.
  • Talk to close friends who will listen when you are upset and angry, but won't take sides.
  • Get help from support groups and professionals if you need to.

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Parenting Resources
Most areas have groups like the YMCA, community colleges, and religious groups that offer:

• Handouts on normal development for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers.
• Articles with checklists for picking a quality daycare.
• Parenting classes with tips for handling typical situations.

Mental health professionals also can help to point out important issues for the family and help you to plan.

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Important Parenting Issues After Separation

• Give your children the stable and predictable routine they need.
• Figure out how you and the other parent can each make time to be with your children.
• Get the information you need to make good decisions about what your children need at each age.
• Find a way to parent well together.
• Take care of yourself. Find ways to feel good about yourself and to understand your confusing feelings.
• Set goals. Try to stay calm in difficult situations.

Adapted with permission from Mary F. Whiteside, Report to Parents (Ann Arbor Center for the Family, Sept. 1996).

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